The Radiotherapy Roundabout

 
Radiotherapy is a bit like a roundabout. Well it's not really. It just feels a bit like it as you do the same thing every day and you could be just going round and round and round and round a roundabout.
 
It started with a planning session where I had a CT scan so that they could determine and plan the exact dose of radiation required and how it would be delivered. They also took a mould of my boob. This felt very funny, being covered in wax and plaster of Paris. My newly reconstructed boob was wondering what an earth was going on. This created a wax covering that would be used during treatment to ensure the skin got the maximum dose of radiation.
 
I was very lucky as I got to stay down in Exeter during my radiotherapy treatment. I stayed with my wonderful friends Helen and Tom and their beautiful daughter Mila, who is soon to be my God daughter. So instead of a journey backwards and forwards every day, which most people have to make, I was very lucky to get to hang out with them in between treatment in their lovely house. We might have also done a bit of shopping as well... Well it would of been rude not to wouldn't it? Millions of thanks to them for a lovely time during my baking.
 
I had to go in for treatment 15 times all together. Every day, Monday to Friday, for three weeks. The hospital do an amazing job and are extremely lovely and efficient with all the hundreds of patients they see each day. Each day i went in and started by getting dressed in a special gown for breast cancer patients, with poppers down the front and shoulders for ease of access. Then when it was my turn i had to lie on the special bed under the giant photocopier (as I like to call it) and the team line me up in the dark with the lasers so the dose is given to exact precision. It feels like you are in some sort of sci-fi movie. I had to keep very still in a certain position whilst the radiation is given from three different angles. It's a very surreal experience really, about 10 minutes later you're all done and back in the real world thinking, did that really happen? Then in you go again the next day... Until you're all done and finally get off the roundabout.
 
My skin reacted after the first couple of days. But then I don't react well to the sun and get prickly heat so it's no surprise really. Luckily it didn't get to much worse and it now looks like one boob has been on holiday for two weeks without the other one, bit tight really, the other one is feeling left out.
 
Next step is back to work and back to life. I feel very different to how I did a year ago. I also look very different, with my battle scars. I feel like a new person who has been through a lot but who has also learned a lot. I'm extremely lucky that I'm able to return to the real world and also extremely cautious as to how I will cope. We shall see.

No longer a caterpillar - The journey back to life

I found it a very weird time after I got the all clear. It was so amazing and such great news but I didn't feel great at all. In fact I felt awful. I had just got home from hospital after the op and I couldn't move very much and was very sore. I couldn't do anything for myself and I had to deal with the after effects from a 7 hour general anesthetic. I also think that all the feelings that I had blocked out of fear and worry over the last few months came flooding in as if I was finally allowing myself to feel them. I was finally processing everything now that I knew things would be ok. It was very strange.
 
I also had a few problems after the op as i had a seroma which is a common problem where fluid builds up around the wound. This included ending up in A&E where the wound bust open and loads of fluid came out. I didn't enjoy that very much. But my surgeon, Mr Drabble has done an amazing job. He has worked his magic and it looks fab, I'm so pleased with the results and lucky to have been able to have the op.
 
But then things started to get better, the wound finally started to heal properly. I could move around and do a bit more. And my hair started to come back with a vengeance. For months I had felt like how a caterpillar must feel, squirming around all bald and squidgy, desperate to be a butterfly. I finally started to feel like myself again. My eyelashes and eyebrows started to come back and I managed to lose some of the weight I had gained during chemo. I felt like I was coming back to life. What a magical feeling.
 
Some people say you really find out who your friends are when you get cancer and that you can get really let down. I have found quite the opposite. All my family and friends have really pulled it out the bag during the last nine months. They've been there every step of the way and pulled me through the dark times and laughed with me through the good. They've sent me messages constantly and driven round and sat with me when I've needed a cry during chemo. They've bought me presents to cheer me up and given me hugs when I needed them. I feel incredibly lucky to have them all.
 
So the journey back to life continues. It's a very strange feeling. A mixture of joy and of feeling very lost whilst trying to make sense of all that I have been through. Luckily I was well enough to enjoy one of my best friend’s weddings. Congratulations to Katie and Andrew, the new Mr and Mrs Cotton on what was an awesome day filled with love, laughter and inappropriate jokes; all my best things.
 
The next step is radiotherapy, which I'm a week into now.... I wonder what embarrassing things I will end up doing during that? We shall see.

C Ya Later Cancer - Being Completely Blindsided and a Busy Few Weeks



The Big C Festival



 I sat nervously waiting for my breast care nurse as they'd just had a meeting with the specialists about what they had removed during the operation. Karen came in and reported that they'd removed 16 lymph nodes and all the breast tissue and couldn't find any trace of cancer. The chemo has kicked its arse! I was therefore effectively cancer free! I hadn't cried tears of joy for a while, but there were many. I was in shock and completely blind sided. I hadn't expected such good news. Surely they would find something? Surely there would be more bad news? But no. It was amazing news and I just couldn't believe it. I actually couldn't. Even writing it down doesn't seem real as it’s the best news possible and it just doesn't seem true. But it is! All those months of grueling chemo and days feeling like crap have been worthwhile. Result.
 
It's also been a busy few weeks. I went back to work part time for a while. It was great to see everyone and feel like a functioning human again. Then Race for life took place which was an awe inspiring day. Standing there during the warm up surrounded by my team of zebra print clad family and friends I was overwhelmed by emotion. Seeing my name and the names of other loved ones fighting cancer on their backs it really hit me the effect of this terrible disease. I shed a little tear but felt so surrounded by love and so lucky to have such amazing people in my life to share this special day and get me through the last six months. We managed the walk in an hour and ten minutes and so far my team has raised £3295 for Cancer Research UK. Big thanks to Cavie at the Kings Arms in Georgeham who hosted our post race barbeque/party and donated £200 to our cause. I'm so stoked to think that our efforts will go towards research into fighting the Big C.
 
The Big C festival was another incredible day. The festival started to evolve a few months ago when I decided I wanted to organise a fundraiser and knew that Blakey was very kindly up for shaving his beautiful mane. Christian, Katie, Soph and I then met up about 6 weeks before and decided to go for it. We got on the case organising everything and Blakey set up the adventure race.
 
It rained all week leading up to the event. Not just a bit of rain either but proper, taking the piss rain. It was relentless. I had visions of a crammed pub and very soggy bouncy castle. But on the day someone was definitely shining down on us as it turned out to be the sunniest day we'd had in ages. The adventure race in the morning was great, even a few fancy dress costumes made an appearance in the blistering heat! The winning team did the cycle, swim and run course in 1 hour and 40 mins and consisted of the power houses Andrew Cotton, Ian Blake and Rob Sandbach; they won a month of boot camp sessions with Blakey's awesome Bay Fitness club, nice one! They were very closely followed, 18 seconds later.. By Ken Kerslake, Dan Rudman and Charlie Smith. Third place went to Sean Creely, Mat Turner (my lovely big bro!) and Mike Symonds who rocked up just over ten minutes later in awesome fancy dress! Massive well done to everyone who completed the course; an amazing achievement for a great cause.
 
The rest of the day continued to be brilliant. The garden was so packed at one point that people had to leave. The sun shone, great music played. The auction went better than I could of imagined raising £600 and I got slightly to into using the mic.. You couldn't get me off it! Blakey's hair had to be plaited before it could be shaved so that we could donate the hair to a children's cancer charity. We then charged a pound to cut each plait; this proved very popular and raised even more money. Charlotte Shirley did an awesome job of the actual shave and Blakey looks very handsome with a shaved head! The head shave itself raised around £1500, all I can say is wow.
 
The total raised is still rising but was at £4975 at the last count. All for the chemo unit appeal, a great amount for a charity very close to my heart and many others who attended. Massive thanks to all those involved (see below!) especially Christian, Blakey, Katie, Soph, Mum, Dad, Mat, Em, Bex, Chloe, Lisa, Lou, Kelz and Sunny. Special mention also to Andy at the White Lion for being so generous with his donation and hosting the event.
 
The whirl wind of charity fund raising was a welcome distraction and before I knew it I was ready to 'check in' to hospital. I'd been so busy I hadn't really thought about the reality of the op; probably best really. I used a bit of Jack Bauer to distract me the night before and then before I knew it, it was time to go under. I quite enjoyed being wheeled round the hospital to the theatre; I like to pretend its some sort of ride. After a little chat and confirmation that, yes, that is who I am on my arm band, then C ya! Waking up was not quite so much fun. I had to be covered by a bear hugger; which is a bit like a lilo being filled with hot air. This kept me very hot for the first 2 days and promoted the healing process. Luckily I was on a morphine drip as this kept me going through this phase. It wasn't the best 48 hours I've ever had, but it wasn't my worst either. Normal hemoglobin levels are supposed to be around 14 but mine dropped down to 6 as I'd lost so much blood through the op and in the drains. So I had to have a blood transfusion. This involved 2 bags of blood being pumped into me. I felt like I was in a Twilight movie. I wanted to say; sorry I'm a vampire I can't be around all this blood... But that's just how my strange little mind works.

I only vaguely remember Mum and Dad visiting on the evening of the op. I was completely out of it. Although I did manage to give Dad a list of instructions of who to let know what etc. Even in that state I can't help but organise things, which is a bit of a worry. I gradually improved as the days went on. First I was able to use my hands as the various drips came out. Then the drains were removed and I could walk around freely without carrying a little bag of blood drains. Don't get me wrong it's all very essential, but it's not a good look. I ended up staying in hospital slightly longer than expected as I developed an infection and my temp kept spiking at 38. A very small blip considering. Thanks so much to everyone who visited and for all the lovely cards, presents and flowers. Also huge thanks to the Doctors and Nurses on King George V ward (especially Rosie and Sandra). They did a brilliant job with my care; they are lovely and work so incredibly hard.
 
So now I'm home recovering! Getting stronger day by day and feeling incredibly lucky to be living above Mum and Dad and being looked after by them. Thanks Mum and Dad you are amazing. Right, well that's the longest blog I've ever written! I'll shut up now and concentrate on my recovery, C ya.

Ouch

The Big C festival - Special thanks to thanks to the amazing musicians - Melv, Christian, Sam Mayo, Sam Dowden, the White Lion Choir, Katie, Soph, Amy, Si, Jay, The Rockets and Pete's Gone Straight Edge!
And the local businesses who kindly donated to the auction and raffle: Get Wet Surf School, Ross, Bay Spas, Bay Joinery, Bay Fitness, Tiki, Kittiwell House, Devon Brewing Co, Hands On, Blue Groove, Kendra Pilates, Riverside, Aloe Vera Direct, Bright and Breezy Cleaning, Andrew Cotton Inc, Sirena Silver, the White Lion, Kenny Wells, Jon the Potter, Kittiwakes, The Rock Inn, Surfing Croyde Bay, The Corner Bistro, Second Skin, Gulfstream, Surfed Out.

The Bear Hugger

 

The Big C Festival, Lead Limbs and the Really Big Ouch

It’s been a few weeks since my last chemo now. It’s very frustrating as my body just doesn’t work like it used to. I suppose that’s not surprising given the dose of toxins it has been given and the lack of activity that it has been doing. But it’s very annoying, my limbs feel like lead. They just don’t do what I want them to do. I walked around baggy point the other morning and it felt like I had a lead weight round my ankles. I get very tired and have been in bed by about 8pm most nights. It’s a weird feeling as I feel like I should be getting much better quicker but I guess I just need to be patient. It’s hard though!!

So I’ve got my operation soon. They are going to take away all the left breast tissue and most of the lymph nodes and hopefully any trace of the naughty cancer. The analysis of this will show how effective the chemo has been which is what I’m interested in. I want to make sure the four months of treatment have been worth while. I am going to have a mastectomy followed by an immediate reconstruction. This means that they are going to use the Lat Dorsi muscle from my back, bring it round under my arm, maintaining the blood supply and build a new boob. How amazing is that? I am going to wake up with a new boob. It’s going to be a pretty big ouch but it will be worth it. The op takes about 7 hours and I’ll be in hospital for a week afterwards under close observation to ensure that the back tissue is happy in its new home in the boob. The first 48 hours are crucial and I will have a warm device hugging me called a bear hugger to ensure the tissue is warm and cosy, sounds nice! I’ll be on morphine by then so I’m sure I won’t be too bothered!! 

As those of you who know me will know, I have a slight problem with my zebra print obsession. It’s relentless. There’s zebra print everywhere with me. My phone, my wallet, my headscarves, leggings, hats etc etc. So it therefore seemed obvious that my race for life team kit was zebra print. I’m so excited about taking part. I think it is going to be very emotional. What an amazing event for such a fantastic cause. There are now 30 of us in my team consisting of my wonderful family and friends. If you are taking part and see any zebra print on the day that will be us!!

Blakey's lovely mane

Another fantastic cause is the Chemotherapy appeal for a new unit up at North Devon District hospital. The unit does such amazing work. I have been so lucky to be treated by the brilliant nurses up at the hospital; they have been wonderful throughout my chemo treatment. They do amazingly but the accommodation they are currently in is small and they really need the new unit. My friends and I are organizing a charity fund raising day on Sunday 15^th July (check out Christian's fab poster above!) in order to help raise the 2.2 million that is needed for the unit. My awesome friend Andrew Blake is going to shave his head and has already raised over £500 in sponsorship. We hope to be able to donate his hair to a charity that provides wigs for cancer patients. If you would like to sponsor him you can do so here: https://www.justgiving.com/thebigcfundraiser. In the morning Andrew is arranging an adventure race that involves teams of three cycling, swimming and running a course that covers Braunton, Woolacombe and Croyde. Andrew runs Bay Fitness and you can contact him on 07583 330239 to find out further details and to take part, it costs £10 per person. We are then holding the Big C Festival at the White Lion in Braunton from 12noon until late that will involve kids’ activities, BBQ, live acoustic music by day, local bands by night and a charity raffle/auction. It costs £5 on entry and all proceeds from the day go to the Chemo appeal. My amazing best friends Sophie and Katie Kerslake will be singing at the Big C, for a taster of their music they are playing at Lilicos on Thursday 5^th July from 9pm. Thanks so much to everyone for their help in organising the festival, especially you Christian!

You can sponsor my team at Race for Life on the following link http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/team-chitch, thanks so much to everyone who has already been so generous.

You can also follow me on twitter @chitchelmaryt.

The Last Dementor Attack




The last chemo goes in....

 

I can’t tell you how good it felt to do what will hopefully be my last chemo. Well I can. It was amazing. To think that it was the last one was a really great feeling. It was still pretty rubbish but as each day went on knowing it was the last time kept me going.

Getting ready for chemo each time is a bit of a mission. It’s like a whirl wind of sorting and organising and making sure everything is in order for a spell of incapacitation. I met an amazing lady called Jo the other day who had also been through chemo. We were discussing how it made you feel and agreed that a great way to describe it is like being attacked by a dementor out of Harry Potter. You know the ones? They suck out a part of your soul. Sounds severe, but it describes really well the feeling of being zapped, not just physically but mentally. So getting ready for a dementor attack for the last time was a joy. Knowing that all the pills that are needed would be taken for the last time and that the effects would be felt for hopefully the last time was amazing. There have been some very dark times but I feel stronger for being able to get through them.  I will miss Jack Bauer though. Big thanks to Caz and Soph for being my hospital angels for the last dose. 

In a very weird way I will miss chemo (no I haven’t finally lost it). Being in the chemo three weekly cycle gave me a strange sense of security and safety. I knew during this time that the chemo drugs (or chemo warriors as I like to call them) were attacking the cancer. I knew that my warriors were fighting it and it gave me a certain peace of mind. I am lucky that I am able to have herceptin treatment that will continue for another ten months. So the herceptin warriors will be continuing the fight on my behalf which is great news.



A bit of 'normality'



I am going back to work soon on a part time basis for a while before my operation. I feel it’s important to try and regain some semblance of normality back in my life. The last few months have been crazy and a rollercoaster of emotions and feelings, both physical and mental. As I mentioned before I felt kind of safe in the chemo cycle and going back to normal life is a scary prospect. How will I ever feel ‘normal’ again? How will I ever look at life in the same way again? I don’t think I will, or could. I was never very normal anyway, which may make the transition a little easier….

My hair is fighting back!

My hair has started growing back! Which is great news, it’s fighting through and there is at least 3 millimeters now. I can’t really tell what colour it is as yet. There are blond bits and darker bits so it’s a waiting game to see what its going to turn out like. Also it might be curly! Chemo frazzles the hair follicles so it could come back with a chemo curl. How very exciting.

Always note that I am talking about side effects that have effected me during treatment and other patients may be very different, thanks x

You can sponsor my team at Race for Life on the following link http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/team-chitch, thanks so much to everyone who has already been so generous.

You can also follow me on twitter @chitchelmaryt.

Jack Bauer and my Sanity

Shake, rattle and roll

Dealing with the after effects of Chemo for me is a matter of not only managing physical side effects but also keeping hold of my sanity. Chemo number five meant a dose of chemo alongside herceptin on the same day. The after effects of this physically were slightly easier than the last one. Rather than a double decker bus it was more like a run in with a mini bus. Thankfully it was easier to cope with. Although on day four I got slightly over enthusiastic and nearly passed out during the washing up, must calm down! 

Chemo zaps my body in order to kill the cancer, but it also zaps my brain. 'Chemo brain' is a common term used amongst patients, you could blame all sorts on it (obviously I don’t!). I often forget what I'm about to say or what I was thinking about. Or send a text asking something I’ve asked twice before (sorry Soph!). In order to save me chemo kills my spirit for a while. I feel like someone has battered me flat and that I gradually re-fill as the days go by. Keeping hold of my sanity during this time is a major mission.

My secret chemo weapon is the TV series 24. 24 is an American series set in a world of anti terror plots and secret agents. The main character, Jack Bauer, mentally runs round L.A trying to beat the bad guys. I live in the 24 world for a few days and Jack Bauer keeps me sane (or insane, either way it works!). Although I have to be careful that it doesn’t take over too much as I go off to bed and check all the shadows for a secret agent. Especially as and all my wig heads look very suspicious in the moon light!! I went up to an ultra sound appointment at the hospital a few days after chemo once and was lying there imagining I was in an episode of 24 and that Jack was going to rush in at any moment and save me. Maybe I've taken it a bit far?? Ha, well maybe I have, but at least it keeps me sane and my brain going before my pre chemo spirit is restored. Big thanks to Tweed and Ruth for the 24 supplies!

When my brain comes back after chemo it's a magical feeling. It’s like I've been given my brain for the first time again. Mine tends to go into overdrive, thinking about what I need to do or organise, as I love to organise. It's an amazing feeling and one I cherish every time I pull through.

Always note that I am talking about side effects that have effected me during treatment and other patients may be very different, thanks x

You can sponsor my team at Race for Life on the following link http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/team-chitch; thanks so much to everyone who has already been so generous, we have raised an amazing £1370 already!

Being Hit by a Bus....

I suppose I should of realised that after spending two days in hospital being pumped full of toxic drugs that your not gonna come out feeling ship shape. I spent Thursday getting my new dose of chemo and Friday getting my new drug Herceptin. I've never been hit by a bus before but in the days that followed I certainly feel like I had been. I still do, but it feels like a slightly smaller bus now, not a double decker like at the weekend. It totally floored me and I could hardly move. But I guess that's the price you pay for the war that's raging inside and all energy is needed to help out the new lot of troops so none can be wasted on getting up off the sofa. Big thanks to my hospital angels Lou and Caz for getting me through those two days and taking on the joyous job of looking out for signs of an anaphylactic fit (which luckily didn't appear!).

I'm not gonna lie there have been dark times recently. Darks days where I feel pretty bloody low and dark nights where I can't sleep and worries and fears go round and round in my head. Everyday through treatment is a battle; alongside the war inside me is the mental battle to try and keep strong and positive. The blog has been really helpful as its one of the things I write when I wake up in the night and can’t sleep. I'm definitely not out for sympathy here but I think it's important to reflect both the ups and the downs of my cancer journey. It's much more than jazzy wigs and mohawks, although they certainly help. You can only stay positive most of the time, sometimes you just can't and I think that's ok as well.

I had an echocardiogram (ECG) the other day. It was mental. The herceptin that I've started taking can weaken the way your heart pumps. So they use an ultra sound to view all the areas of the heart and take measurements to ensure its all normal and can cope with the treatment. I was relieved to find out it looked pretty normal! Phew, I have something normal! Crazy to see and hear it pumping away with all the valves working like mad to ensure all your blood gets to where it's meant to be. And that it's happening all the time, every minute of our lives, very clever stuff. So they take all the measurements and then check again in three months time to ensure nothing has happened to hinder the hearts ability to pump.

I went back into work for the first time in four months the other day. It was very emotional as I hadn't been there since the day I was diagnosed, but it was amazing to see everyone. They held a 'wear a wig to work day' to raise money for the new chemotherapy unit at the hospital. They raised about £400, how cool is that. They all looked so great!!! I was actually put to shame in my black bob as there were so many fab coloured ones (check out the picture!) My particular favourite was Arron's afro, it was amazing! They made such a great effort I was really touched. I've really missed everyone so it was lovely to see them and I hope that everything goes to plan with treatment and that I can go back in a few months once all this crazy shit is over.

Herceptin Warriors, Boiled Eggs and Faking It

My boiled egg look

My cancer is a right little bastard. I have now been told that not only is it a grade three and receptive to oestrogen it is also HER2 positive. This is another receptor that encourages it to grow and spread aggressively. The treatment of this is called Herceptin which you may have heard of. Herceptin treatment is given in a similar way to chemo, via an infusion of liquid drugs through a drip. It doesn't have the same side effects as chemotherapy which is a bloody relief. I have to have this treatment every three weeks for a year. I like to think of this as calling in more troops for battle. Let the Herceptin warriors join in the fight I say.

Faking it

Chemo number four takes place next week. I'm now onto the T part of the FEC-T treatment which is a drug called Docetaxel. This one makes your eyebrows and eye lashes fall out and your nails go funny. I'm going to look even more like a boiled egg! Amazing what you can fake these days though! I’m having lots of fun faking it as you can see from the pics! This one will hopefully make me feel a bit less sick which is excellent news. It goes in via a drip and doesn't need to be injected in separately like the FEC part; as it's just the one drug rather than three and slightly less toxic I think. I have to take about eight steroids the day before to counteract the side effects; I'm going to be well hyper! So it's just a case of waiting and seeing how this one affects me.

A couple of congratulations are in order.. My gorgeous friend Chloe became Mrs Smith on what was one of the most amazing wedding days ever! Beautiful bride, friends, venue, weather and I was well enough to be a bridesmaid! Stoked! Congrats to Mr and Mrs Smith. xxx My other gorgeous friend Katie gave birth to beautiful baby Ace this week! I was also stoked to be at the hospital for his arrival (rather than for another nuking!!) and have a cuddle. Congrats to Katie and Andrew on your perfect new human. xxxx 

These amazing things and my amazing family and friends get me through. Let the battle continue. Bring it on.

The Un-Natural War: White Warriors Vs Chemo Warriors

There is an un-natural war raging inside my body apparently. This is how my lovely nurse described chemo. I thought this was a really interesting way to describe it so here is my version.. The toxic chemo drugs are injected into my veins and they are very cleverly designed to target and kill any remaining abnormal cancer (c) cells. C cells don't die like normal cells you see, the nasty bastards. When they get together in gangs they form tumors, mine was removed during my op but there could be c cells remaining. The chemo warriors, as I like to call them, surge around my body, through my blood stream, attacking and hopefully killing the nasty c cells. Meanwhile my white blood cells (the white warriors) go on the defensive. They are not a fan of the chemo warriors as although they are doing a great job killing the c cells they are also killing the good, white cells too. The white warriors don't like that so they attack! The chemo warriors are more powerful though and unfortunately many white warriors die :-( But it is all for the eventual good so we don't mind :-) This is why my white blood count is low during days 7-14 of the chemo cycle; I'm prone to infection and have to steer clear of bugs (as I have very few white warriors to fight them off). The white warriors then have time to gather more troops in preparation for the next battle (i.e. white blood cells are clever enough to reproduce and build up for the next chemo battle) . Eventually after all the battles the c cells will be dead and the chemo warriors will hopefully win! Fingers crossed for the chemo warriors!
 
Chemo is also a physical and mental battle. I've completed two out of the six treatments now so nearly half way there. I’m not going to lie It can be tough. There are times when you feel sick and you stare at an unfamiliar bald face in the mirror and think jeez, I look like shit, I feel like shit and I am seriously ill. But then a few days later you can sit up a bit more and you can have a few visitors and you feel almost human again. The side effects aren’t pleasant but they are manageable. There are drugs to manage them all; if you shook me I would rattle! It's like juggling potions, one to counter act the other (if only it was exciting potions like in Harry Potter!). One of the hardest things is getting your head around the fact that the chemo is going to make you better. It makes you feel ill but actually it is the only thing that will hopefully make you well again.
 
So these are my latest conflicts. The hardest I will ever fight and that I (with the help of the chemo warriors) intend to win.
 
Thank you to everyone who supports me every day, most especially those who've helped in the dark days x you know who you are x I love you very much x x
 

(NB: once again I must say that I'm not a medical professional and details above may only be relevant to my situation x).

The big head shave

The head shaving crew

The chemo-coma (as I like to call it) lasted for about a week following treatment. I felt very sick and groggy for the first couple of days. Then I slept for a whole day. Then I felt like I’d been beaten over the head for a couple of days. Then I started to feel human again. So, it wasn’t too bad really. Good to know the pattern and be prepared for the next one next week.

So the hair has got to go! It started to fall out, not in big clumps but lots of strands came out. It’s very weird, this hair that I’ve been growing for years just falling out. And it’s hard to get your head around as the chemo side effects have stopped but your hair still falls out, weird. Clever stuff that chemo. So I had the girls round and the wonderful Charlotte Shirley cut a few great comedy styles on the way to the big shave. Charlotte donated her fee to Cancer Research UK, what an amazing human and bloody amazing hair dresser to! The fringe was first, I was slightly disappointed that I hadn’t done this sooner, it was great! We did a little lamp shade style in memory of Gail’s fabulous hair style from school days! The blue Mohawk was my absolute favourite! I was more gutted to cut that off than the pob!! It was amazing! If only I could keep that for day to day wear! Now I’m going to be in search of a Mohawk wig! Note to self, stop buying wigs!! I have 6 now (mostly comedy!). Slightly over the top I know but why not make the most of trying out new styles and colours?!!

So now the hair has all gone! It’s very strange! But very exciting to start wearing my wig and scarf collection.. What to wear today….??

Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who came and supported me last night, it was fun! Special thanks to Charlotte for her time and amazing skills. And to everyone for all the fabulous cards and gifts I have received, I’m very lucky to have you and I love you all!!

I got one of my head scarves from a lady in America who tailored them specifically for a member of her family with cancer, then started selling them world wide. Its zebra print, obviously and you may see me wearing it very soon! She sent me a card with the following on it; I really liked it so here we go:

‘What cancer cannot do.

Cancer is so limited…..

It cannot cripple love.

It cannot shatter hope.

It cannot destroy confidence.

It cannot kill friendship.

It cannot shut out memories.

It cannot silence courage.

It cannot quench the spirit’.

Author unknown.

Cool huh?

See you soon.. If you recognise me?!!!!!

FEC off Cancer

Chemo cringe face



 So the chemotherapy begins. I was pretty nervous going up for the first treatment as I didn’t know what to expect really. I had a little melt down just before it started, luckily Bex was there to hold my hand and I was OK after that. The lovely nurse got my cannula in first time so that is the main hurdle. You have a drip put in and the drugs are syringed gradually into the drip, just in case there is any reaction then the process can be slowed down. There’s anti-sickness first then steroids, the steroids make you feel like you actually have ants in your pants, it’s a very weird feeling! The chemotherapy drugs are then gradually injected over about 2 hours. You can’t touch them as they would blister your skin if you did, it is powerful stuff. This is the clever thing about chemo, it is so powerful that it can target and hopefully kill the cancer cells. This obviously can make you very sick in the process but it is amazing how the treatment works. No amount of broccoli is going to have the same effect!

FEC-T is the name of the treatment plan I am on, hence the blog title! There are three rounds of FEC then three rounds of T, the treatments take place every three weeks if I am well enough and my blood count has stabilised. The E part of the treatment is the bright red liquid in the picture on the right; this is the drug that can make your hair fall out. Everyone is different but it could come out in a few days or a couple of weeks, but definitely before the next treatment. I keep checking my pillow in the morning to see if any has fallen out yet! I’m hoping to have a little head shaving gathering with the girls in a couple of weeks once I feel well enough. I wanted to try out a couple of styles as well, like a mullet and a mow hawk! But I might not get a chance if it all falls out before that. Fingers crossed it lasts!

At the moment I feel pretty rough and I’m sleeping a lot, I also feel sick. I’m on a course of steroids and anti-sickness drugs for the first few days so I will potentially feel worse towards the end of the week when they wear off. It’s hard to know really. It will be good to get through the first cycle to get to know how I will feel as this will be an indication of how I will feel through the rest of the treatment; although it will get worse as the drugs build up in my system. It will be a bit like Groundhog Day for the next few months. But I am glad to be on the road to the end.

Thanks to Bex for coming up with me for my first treatment!! You are a very good PA making all those notes for me and a list of what not to forget with tick boxes!! I loved that. Thanks to Chloe and Charlie for my valentine’s card, flowers and cup cakes in a zebra print box!! How cool is that. Thanks to all the girls for all your messages! And of course to Mum (love the zebra blanket!), Dad, Mat, Em and Pres for all your help, support and love every day.

(Please note that I am not a medical professional so don’t rely on any of the above as fact; these are details as I have understood them and could be inaccurate or just relevant to me! And if any of the details above are not correct please let me know!)

My Wiggle

My Wiggle

Did you know that the official name for a group of wigs is a mop? Thank you Pil for this gem of information! A mop of wigs, it doesn’t quite sound right. I personally think it should be called a wiggle; this makes much more sense to me. So that’s what I’m going to call it. My wiggle is coming along nicely; I have a lovely collection now, as you’ll see from the picture, but more about that in a minute.

So the CT scans came back all clear. I can’t tell you how relieved I was. Well I can, it was like an enormous weight had been lifted and I had a little cry. It was like winning the lottery, only without the cash. I had been really scared about the results, I’m not going to lie, I was really scared. I’ve also had a consultation with my oncoplastic surgeon. This was to discuss the operation following chemo. There are a number of options including an immediate reconstruction using tissue from my back (a 6 hour operation with 8 weeks recovery time) and a mastectomy followed by a reconstruction up to a year later. There are pros and cons to each option and my brain felt a bit like mashed potato following the discussions. Over the next month I need to consider the options, carry out research and make the tough decision over which is the best route to take. Not an easy task.

Anyway, back to the important business of my wiggle. I went to Bristol to pick up my fabulous long blond wig, it’s amazing. It actually felt very strange having long hair again, as I’m so used to my pob now! But I love it! The charity ‘My New Hair’ (www.mynewhair.org) was set up by Trevor Sorbie, hairdressers around the country give their time for free to work with people effected by Cancer. They select and style wigs to help them through the trauma of hair loss. Mark @ Hush salon in Bristol is wonderful! He helped me to choose my new wig and then styled it to ensure it was perfect. He also styled my black wig as well!

Can you tell it's a wig?

Thanks to my lovely friend for helping me to organise the trip. Big thanks also to Soph, Bex and Flower for accompanying me on the wig journey(s) to Bristol. It means a lot. A sneaky bit of shopping might have been included and of course the mothership!! Xx

Next step is chemo. I have my first treatment on the 13^th Feb and find out more at a pre-chemo meeting this Friday. It’s hard for them to predict the side effects that I might experience as everyone is so different. I get really travel sick which indicates that I may experience quite bad sickness; so I’ve requested super strong anti-sickness drugs which should hopefully help. It feels weird that they have to make me sick to eventually make me better. But it feels good to be starting treatment as once I start I can begin to see the end of the battle.

The giant polo and le pob…

CT scans are mental. You have to drink aniseed liquid for an hour before you go in; a cup every ten minutes. I bloody hate aniseed. Luckily you could top it up with orange squash so that made it bearable and drowned out the aniseed taste. I met two lovely ladies in the waiting room and we chatted about our shared experiences with cancer. Mum asked them how old they thought I was… They said 22!!! I said I loved them, probably a bit over the top but I am 31 for anyone that doesn’t know!



Before....



I had to have a cannula fitted in my arm, which is where dye is injected into you during the scan. This was pretty tricky as my veins kept hiding! Veins are pretty damn clever, but to be fair if I knew there was a giant needle coming to get me I would hide too! You then lay on a bed and it’s moved backwards and forwards through the giant polo while the scan takes place. You have to breathe in and hold your breath a few times. I had to try not to giggle. Then they inject a dye into you through the cannula. They also tell you that this dye makes you feel like you have wet yourself. Now after an hour of drinking fluids this is slightly disconcerting. I got off the bed thinking now, have I or haven’t I?? Don’t worry, I hadn’t!!

 The hair loss chapter of my life begins today. I’m off to get a pob! I am going to take the control back and begin the gradual journey to no hair.  I’ve ordered a bright turquoise long curly wig with a fringe (Tappy it’s even better than the blue one you recommended!!). I am also looking into zebra print head scarves. If I’m going to go there, I may as well go in style!!

Le Pob

I just got back from the hairdressers. Thank you to the wonderful Charlotte Shirley @ Tangles (Ben your sister is amazing!) I now have a fabulous pob. Thanks Charlotte for putting up with my initial tears that turned into joy as I realised I actually love my new do! And also for putting up with cutting it with an audience; the girls had to come and watch obviously!! What do we think of le pob?

Thanks again to everyone for all your messages and support, I promise to get back to you all soon, it's all a bit crazy mental at the moment.

I’m off to the hospital in a bit to get the results of the CT scans and dates for the first round of chemo, wish me luck x

Whatever you do, don't walk under ladders....

I’m definitely becoming superstitious. Friday the 13^th is unlucky, don’t book anything significant on that day; it’s just not worth it.

I don’t watch much TV, but my TV broke the other day. My free view box just stopped working, a bit like my boob. There wasn’t any warning, it just packed it in. Luckily my cousin, Charlotte, who is amazing by the way, sent me the Sex and the City box set. I bloody love it. So on Friday morning I was watching it when I realised I was running late for the hospital appointment. It’s quite hard to get ready quickly when you have a gash that you don’t want to get wet; but I just about managed it and Mum and I headed up to hospital for the results of the op.

I had in my head what I thought was the worst case scenario. I like to have the worst case in my head so that if it is better I’m pleasantly surprised. I didn’t cater for it being worse than that. Three out of the five lymph nodes they removed were cancerous and the tumour was 11mm rather than the 7mm they originally thought. They confirmed it was an aggressive grade three type cancer. The clearance tissue they removed also contained pre-cancerous cells. They were therefore not happy that they had full clearance so they want to take the whole boob off. Oh shit. They confirmed that I would be starting chemo as soon as possible and following that would have a mastectomy. They can actually reconstruct it at the same time using a muscle from my back which is so amazing (I’m going to ask if they can take some tissue from my ass or thighs instead?? There’s plenty there!!). I have to have CT scans to check whether the cancer has spread. I also have to take tamoxifen for 5 years as a preventative measure which means I can’t have a baby during that time.

I felt like I’d been punched in the face to be honest.

I’m very lucky that I have amazing people in my life. We drank bubbles, we danced, we might have done a bit too much of both those things but it made it all seem better that day (again, you know who you are). I have also been given more gorgeous flowers, it's a bit like a florist in my flat, it's beautiful. My friend Shelley also painted me a painting, it's very special. Despite being in shock all these people, flowers a lovely gifts are helping greatly. 

Thanks to everyone who has been in touch, I've had so many emails and texts and it really is amazing.. I am gradually getting back to everyone, sorry this might take a while!

It’s Chloe’s hen weekend next weekend. One of the things I can definitely do is that. No, I won’t be giving away any details Chloe!! It’s a surprise!! But it’s kept me occupied, given me something to organise… I can’t bloody wait.

I’m clinging on desperately to my sense of humour – what do we think of the blue wig? Or the mullet (especially for you Gail)??

 

Right then, chin up, I'm off wig shopping.....

Radioactive nipple and the big ouch

Well hello 2012, you will be my biggest challenge yet (and I’ve had a few!).

New years eve was bloody brilliant – highlights include tutus (thanks Vikki!), body art, the bad taste party, blow up boxing and a new fangled game involving a marigold (created by the one and only Andy Bevan)….

Monday 2^nd January 2012

Reality hits home. Oh yes, I have to go to Exeter tomorrow, oh yes I have to have an operation on Wednesday, oh shit.

Pasta, pizza and chocolates help (again, must try harder to be a better human).

Tuesday 3^rd January

I have to go to Exeter today as the nuclear department is there (sounds ominous). So me, Mum and Dad set off in what can only be described as horrendous driving conditions. A lorry passed us and sent what felt like a tidal wave over the car, I tried not to shout. Well done Dad on the driving. We got there safely and very early so managed to get in early for my injection.

Now, I had totally misunderstood what was going on today – I thought they were checking the lymph nodes but they are just identifying where they are so that they can be removed during the op tomorrow. This involves injecting a radioactive dye. The injection is like a bee sting, just by your nipple = ouch. It wasn’t so bad, I think I was quite brave, wasn’t I Mum? Probably worse for Mum to watch! Then you have to wait for the dye to spread and therefore show where the lymph nodes are. This involved waiting in a coffee shop and rubbing my boob, Mum and I found this very amusing, as I’m sure the other customers did. It worked a treat though.

I had a scan under this big machine which had a huge plate that came right down by my face, I tried to keep really still. They then marked me up like a piece of meat, with crosses and numbers to show where the nodes were to be removed. I thought afterwards that surely they could have marked me up for some liposuction whilst they were there? I was now radioactive. I had a special band, how special am I??!

Wednesday 4^th January

The operation is today. They changed the time I was due to go in to 11am rather than 7.30am. I initially thought this would be good as I’d get a lie in, but no, it just gave me more time to think about it. Em, my lovely sister in law, came to see me for a cuddle before I left, this set me off, but I definitely needed a cuddle and a cry. The worst moment in the morning was when my nephew, Presley, came for a cuddle. He stood at my feet with his arms up demanding a hug. Because of the radioactive dye in me and my nuclear nipple I couldn’t pick him up. Now that was gutting.

I get this weird thing that when I get into hospital I’m OK. I seem to have these weird super powers that make me able to cope (maybe it was the nuclear power??). I just sat reading my magazines until it was time to go in. I waited about 3 hours. Because you don’t know what time you are due in, you don’t really get time to be nervous. They just suddenly come in and say your up, like an audition. I’ve never had a general anaesthetic before. You feel like you’re in ER with all these tubes being connected to you. I asked when and how I would be put out and they told me about the preparation drug; it makes you feel a bit tipsy apparently, did I know what that felt like? I said, yes, I’m very aware of that feeling!! And then whoosh, you’re out of it. I woke up crying, which is a bit embarrassing to admit. The lovely recovery nurse was amazing. Mum and Dad came up. I ate a terrible cheese sandwich, and then felt very, very sick. They pumped me full of anti-sickness drugs and after about 20 minutes I was OK. My bro arrived with some chocolates, he’s bloody great. We hung out for a bit. I felt pretty out of it. After they left I went into a groggy, drugged up sleep with my trusty cuddly penguin for company.

They took the drain out in the morning and the breast care nurse gave me a lovely heart shaped pillow to rest under my arm so that it wouldn’t feel uncomfortable. How thoughtful is that! I had to fill in a patient survey with one of the nurses. They asked me if I felt that my dignity had been protected during my stay. I nearly said, no, as I didn’t have any in the first place! But I managed to resist.

Dad took me home and the next few days were spent recovering, in a sea of beautiful flowers, lovely friends and the odd cheeky glass of wine. Thanks to all the girls for your company and keeping me entertained. Luckily I live in a flat above my Mum and Dad so they have been able to help me; they have been amazing so big thanks to them and all they are doing (including my hovering, which is a right bonus as I hate hovering!)..(I mean hoovering!! Spelling has never been my strong point!! Thanks to those of you who have pointed this out... ).

So, the next step is Friday the 13^th (unlucky for some but hopefully not for me!). This will be when I find out the results of the surgery and whether further surgery or scans are needed to see if the cancer has spread. I will also know for sure whether I will have to have chemo. Fingers and toes crossed then everyone for a lucky Friday!

Oh shit, I’VE GOT CANCER…..

The story so far…..

Thursday 8^th December 2011

Hospital appointment at the breast clinic – went on my own as thought it would be just a routine check. They said it looked like it was a funny shape (typical!). Then they took a biopsy. I remember them saying it would sound like a staple gun, I wondered whether this was meant to be reassuring or not. Luckily it was under local anaesthetic so it was only the sound that was a bit of a shock. I was a bit upset after that, it was a bit unexpected and they allocated me a special breast care nurse to call the next week for the results so it all seemed a bit suspect. For the next week I was convinced it was cancer. You know when people say you know when you’ve got it, well I knew. And in a way that helped me to be a bit more mentally prepared when I got the actual news…..

Friday 16^th December

It was meant to be the day of our works Christmas meal. I was due to call the hospital for the results of my biopsy at 9am and this fitted in perfectly with the secret Santa gift exchange I had planned for 10am. That was when I was a bit more optimistic that everything would be OK. Karen (my breast care nurse) called me back just after 9am and luckily I was still in the toilets. She told me it was unexpected results which, in my mind could only be one thing, but she couldn’t confirm anything over the phone so I had to wait to go up to the hospital at 12noon. I was then in the predicament of balling my eyes out stuck in the toilet, not a great place to be. I managed to call Ann, my lovely colleague who came and rescued me.

The timing was actually ideal as then my lovely boss Sue arrived at work and popped into the toilet on her way up to find Ann and me in tears! So we moved up to Sue’s office to hide out and I consequently missed the secret Santa that I arranged! What a shame… BUT, I did get my gift which is a lovely cuddly penguin which will prove to be a massive comfort over the coming weeks, I would love to say thank you to whoever gave it to me but it’s a bloody secret!! Ha. Mum and I went up to the hospital to see Karen who confirmed the worst, that the lump was breast cancer. As I said before I knew it was, but nothing really prepares you for the shock of actually being told that it is.

The next few days….

… Are a bit of a blur… I went and told my lovely family and friends, who are amazing and have and will help me immensely. I went on a bit of a bender if I’m honest. Buying £30 bottles of champagne and having a great time, probably not what is advised when you find something like that out, but it felt bloody good at the time (thanks to all those involved, you know who you are).

Monday 19^th December

The hospital appointment with the surgeon – I had a bit of a hangover and already felt sick. All the information they told me didn’t really sink in - surgery, chemo, radiotherapy, all felt like a foreign language that my brain couldn’t really take in, plus the hangover wasn’t really helping (must try harder to be a better human). My mum and best friend Soph came with me but I don’t think any of us really took any of it in. They said the surgery could take place on the 4^th Jan, 2 weeks time, jeez that seemed quick, but all the better to get the bastard out asap.

I had to have a mammogram – on my already bruised and battered boob with a hangover - that was not a nice experience. I kept jumping away from the device; I didn’t want any more pain inflicted! It was all rather embarrassing, being half dressed, with a bruised boob, jumping away from the equipment. Not that I had much dignity left at this point but I felt that it was all draining away….. Then it was the blood tests… I couldn’t pull my sleeve up as it was too tight so had to strip off again… no dignity left at this point so was all becoming rather comical (you really just have to laugh at times like this!!).

Wednesday 21^st December

Melt down in Atlantic Village - note to self, perhaps busy shopping centres are not a good idea… Sorry to Soph and Chloe for my melt down!!

Thursday 22^nd December

Christmas is fast approaching. Luckily I had bought and wrapped all my presents well in advance of D day (diagnosis day) so I was well prepared (it was like I knew!!).  Today is the pre-op… I was not sure before hand quite what this involved. But it was mostly questions about my health and a few tests to prepare me for surgery. It all went OK and the ladies were fab, one of my best friends, Chloe, came with me so that really helped. I had then booked in with Karen to ask some questions. Karen is amazing, she is so lovely and kind; how lucky are we to have a health service that allocates people like Karen to our care.

Karen and I discussed the main things that were concerning me. Unlike my last visit to hospital I was feeling slightly more able to cope and digest information. The treatment I would have – would I have to have chemo? Due to my age, the fact that my cancer is a grade 3 (one of the fastest growing types) and that it is also receptive to oestrogen (bloody thing, typical that it’s not only fast growing but it is also being encouraged to grow even more!) – I was very likely to have chemo. This also means I would lose my hair. I love my hair. I’ve had long hair for years, in the same style. Losing it would be tough, but when it comes to survival you have to take it on the chin. I’ve also wanted a bob for ages and not had the balls to have one, so once chemo is confirmed I’m straight down the hair dressers!! Also this means that I can go wig shopping. I can try styles that I would never have tried before and false eyelashes are bloody great these days… so…. Every cloud has a silver lining…

What about my friends Chloe and Katie’s weddings? I was due to be a bridesmaid in March. With no hair – sorry, no, with a very great new hairstyle in the form of my new wig! – must think positive! Karen said the chemo dates could be tweaked so that I would feel as well as possible for the dates of the weddings. How bloody great is that! What a relief. Its things like this that make me feel able to cope.

What about my fertility? Would the chemo kill off my eggs? That would be a real blow. Karen said they will give me a drug called Zoladex. This will put my ovaries to sleep and protect my eggs (how bloody clever is that!!). They should then wake up again and be OK afterwards (it’s not 100% effective but it gives my eggs a chance!). Phew. Again, this is something that makes me feel able to get through it.

Christmas and New Year passed in a wonderful blur of drinks, dinners, family and friends…. Timing is never perfect to be told such awful news but it couldn’t have been better in terms of having the distraction of all the festivities to keep my mind off the impending surgery.

….. to be continued …….