The giant polo and le pob…

CT scans are mental. You have to drink aniseed liquid for an hour before you go in; a cup every ten minutes. I bloody hate aniseed. Luckily you could top it up with orange squash so that made it bearable and drowned out the aniseed taste. I met two lovely ladies in the waiting room and we chatted about our shared experiences with cancer. Mum asked them how old they thought I was… They said 22!!! I said I loved them, probably a bit over the top but I am 31 for anyone that doesn’t know!



Before....



I had to have a cannula fitted in my arm, which is where dye is injected into you during the scan. This was pretty tricky as my veins kept hiding! Veins are pretty damn clever, but to be fair if I knew there was a giant needle coming to get me I would hide too! You then lay on a bed and it’s moved backwards and forwards through the giant polo while the scan takes place. You have to breathe in and hold your breath a few times. I had to try not to giggle. Then they inject a dye into you through the cannula. They also tell you that this dye makes you feel like you have wet yourself. Now after an hour of drinking fluids this is slightly disconcerting. I got off the bed thinking now, have I or haven’t I?? Don’t worry, I hadn’t!!

 The hair loss chapter of my life begins today. I’m off to get a pob! I am going to take the control back and begin the gradual journey to no hair.  I’ve ordered a bright turquoise long curly wig with a fringe (Tappy it’s even better than the blue one you recommended!!). I am also looking into zebra print head scarves. If I’m going to go there, I may as well go in style!!

Le Pob

I just got back from the hairdressers. Thank you to the wonderful Charlotte Shirley @ Tangles (Ben your sister is amazing!) I now have a fabulous pob. Thanks Charlotte for putting up with my initial tears that turned into joy as I realised I actually love my new do! And also for putting up with cutting it with an audience; the girls had to come and watch obviously!! What do we think of le pob?

Thanks again to everyone for all your messages and support, I promise to get back to you all soon, it's all a bit crazy mental at the moment.

I’m off to the hospital in a bit to get the results of the CT scans and dates for the first round of chemo, wish me luck x

Whatever you do, don't walk under ladders....

I’m definitely becoming superstitious. Friday the 13^th is unlucky, don’t book anything significant on that day; it’s just not worth it.

I don’t watch much TV, but my TV broke the other day. My free view box just stopped working, a bit like my boob. There wasn’t any warning, it just packed it in. Luckily my cousin, Charlotte, who is amazing by the way, sent me the Sex and the City box set. I bloody love it. So on Friday morning I was watching it when I realised I was running late for the hospital appointment. It’s quite hard to get ready quickly when you have a gash that you don’t want to get wet; but I just about managed it and Mum and I headed up to hospital for the results of the op.

I had in my head what I thought was the worst case scenario. I like to have the worst case in my head so that if it is better I’m pleasantly surprised. I didn’t cater for it being worse than that. Three out of the five lymph nodes they removed were cancerous and the tumour was 11mm rather than the 7mm they originally thought. They confirmed it was an aggressive grade three type cancer. The clearance tissue they removed also contained pre-cancerous cells. They were therefore not happy that they had full clearance so they want to take the whole boob off. Oh shit. They confirmed that I would be starting chemo as soon as possible and following that would have a mastectomy. They can actually reconstruct it at the same time using a muscle from my back which is so amazing (I’m going to ask if they can take some tissue from my ass or thighs instead?? There’s plenty there!!). I have to have CT scans to check whether the cancer has spread. I also have to take tamoxifen for 5 years as a preventative measure which means I can’t have a baby during that time.

I felt like I’d been punched in the face to be honest.

I’m very lucky that I have amazing people in my life. We drank bubbles, we danced, we might have done a bit too much of both those things but it made it all seem better that day (again, you know who you are). I have also been given more gorgeous flowers, it's a bit like a florist in my flat, it's beautiful. My friend Shelley also painted me a painting, it's very special. Despite being in shock all these people, flowers a lovely gifts are helping greatly. 

Thanks to everyone who has been in touch, I've had so many emails and texts and it really is amazing.. I am gradually getting back to everyone, sorry this might take a while!

It’s Chloe’s hen weekend next weekend. One of the things I can definitely do is that. No, I won’t be giving away any details Chloe!! It’s a surprise!! But it’s kept me occupied, given me something to organise… I can’t bloody wait.

I’m clinging on desperately to my sense of humour – what do we think of the blue wig? Or the mullet (especially for you Gail)??

 

Right then, chin up, I'm off wig shopping.....

Radioactive nipple and the big ouch

Well hello 2012, you will be my biggest challenge yet (and I’ve had a few!).

New years eve was bloody brilliant – highlights include tutus (thanks Vikki!), body art, the bad taste party, blow up boxing and a new fangled game involving a marigold (created by the one and only Andy Bevan)….

Monday 2^nd January 2012

Reality hits home. Oh yes, I have to go to Exeter tomorrow, oh yes I have to have an operation on Wednesday, oh shit.

Pasta, pizza and chocolates help (again, must try harder to be a better human).

Tuesday 3^rd January

I have to go to Exeter today as the nuclear department is there (sounds ominous). So me, Mum and Dad set off in what can only be described as horrendous driving conditions. A lorry passed us and sent what felt like a tidal wave over the car, I tried not to shout. Well done Dad on the driving. We got there safely and very early so managed to get in early for my injection.

Now, I had totally misunderstood what was going on today – I thought they were checking the lymph nodes but they are just identifying where they are so that they can be removed during the op tomorrow. This involves injecting a radioactive dye. The injection is like a bee sting, just by your nipple = ouch. It wasn’t so bad, I think I was quite brave, wasn’t I Mum? Probably worse for Mum to watch! Then you have to wait for the dye to spread and therefore show where the lymph nodes are. This involved waiting in a coffee shop and rubbing my boob, Mum and I found this very amusing, as I’m sure the other customers did. It worked a treat though.

I had a scan under this big machine which had a huge plate that came right down by my face, I tried to keep really still. They then marked me up like a piece of meat, with crosses and numbers to show where the nodes were to be removed. I thought afterwards that surely they could have marked me up for some liposuction whilst they were there? I was now radioactive. I had a special band, how special am I??!

Wednesday 4^th January

The operation is today. They changed the time I was due to go in to 11am rather than 7.30am. I initially thought this would be good as I’d get a lie in, but no, it just gave me more time to think about it. Em, my lovely sister in law, came to see me for a cuddle before I left, this set me off, but I definitely needed a cuddle and a cry. The worst moment in the morning was when my nephew, Presley, came for a cuddle. He stood at my feet with his arms up demanding a hug. Because of the radioactive dye in me and my nuclear nipple I couldn’t pick him up. Now that was gutting.

I get this weird thing that when I get into hospital I’m OK. I seem to have these weird super powers that make me able to cope (maybe it was the nuclear power??). I just sat reading my magazines until it was time to go in. I waited about 3 hours. Because you don’t know what time you are due in, you don’t really get time to be nervous. They just suddenly come in and say your up, like an audition. I’ve never had a general anaesthetic before. You feel like you’re in ER with all these tubes being connected to you. I asked when and how I would be put out and they told me about the preparation drug; it makes you feel a bit tipsy apparently, did I know what that felt like? I said, yes, I’m very aware of that feeling!! And then whoosh, you’re out of it. I woke up crying, which is a bit embarrassing to admit. The lovely recovery nurse was amazing. Mum and Dad came up. I ate a terrible cheese sandwich, and then felt very, very sick. They pumped me full of anti-sickness drugs and after about 20 minutes I was OK. My bro arrived with some chocolates, he’s bloody great. We hung out for a bit. I felt pretty out of it. After they left I went into a groggy, drugged up sleep with my trusty cuddly penguin for company.

They took the drain out in the morning and the breast care nurse gave me a lovely heart shaped pillow to rest under my arm so that it wouldn’t feel uncomfortable. How thoughtful is that! I had to fill in a patient survey with one of the nurses. They asked me if I felt that my dignity had been protected during my stay. I nearly said, no, as I didn’t have any in the first place! But I managed to resist.

Dad took me home and the next few days were spent recovering, in a sea of beautiful flowers, lovely friends and the odd cheeky glass of wine. Thanks to all the girls for your company and keeping me entertained. Luckily I live in a flat above my Mum and Dad so they have been able to help me; they have been amazing so big thanks to them and all they are doing (including my hovering, which is a right bonus as I hate hovering!)..(I mean hoovering!! Spelling has never been my strong point!! Thanks to those of you who have pointed this out... ).

So, the next step is Friday the 13^th (unlucky for some but hopefully not for me!). This will be when I find out the results of the surgery and whether further surgery or scans are needed to see if the cancer has spread. I will also know for sure whether I will have to have chemo. Fingers and toes crossed then everyone for a lucky Friday!

Oh shit, I’VE GOT CANCER…..

The story so far…..

Thursday 8^th December 2011

Hospital appointment at the breast clinic – went on my own as thought it would be just a routine check. They said it looked like it was a funny shape (typical!). Then they took a biopsy. I remember them saying it would sound like a staple gun, I wondered whether this was meant to be reassuring or not. Luckily it was under local anaesthetic so it was only the sound that was a bit of a shock. I was a bit upset after that, it was a bit unexpected and they allocated me a special breast care nurse to call the next week for the results so it all seemed a bit suspect. For the next week I was convinced it was cancer. You know when people say you know when you’ve got it, well I knew. And in a way that helped me to be a bit more mentally prepared when I got the actual news…..

Friday 16^th December

It was meant to be the day of our works Christmas meal. I was due to call the hospital for the results of my biopsy at 9am and this fitted in perfectly with the secret Santa gift exchange I had planned for 10am. That was when I was a bit more optimistic that everything would be OK. Karen (my breast care nurse) called me back just after 9am and luckily I was still in the toilets. She told me it was unexpected results which, in my mind could only be one thing, but she couldn’t confirm anything over the phone so I had to wait to go up to the hospital at 12noon. I was then in the predicament of balling my eyes out stuck in the toilet, not a great place to be. I managed to call Ann, my lovely colleague who came and rescued me.

The timing was actually ideal as then my lovely boss Sue arrived at work and popped into the toilet on her way up to find Ann and me in tears! So we moved up to Sue’s office to hide out and I consequently missed the secret Santa that I arranged! What a shame… BUT, I did get my gift which is a lovely cuddly penguin which will prove to be a massive comfort over the coming weeks, I would love to say thank you to whoever gave it to me but it’s a bloody secret!! Ha. Mum and I went up to the hospital to see Karen who confirmed the worst, that the lump was breast cancer. As I said before I knew it was, but nothing really prepares you for the shock of actually being told that it is.

The next few days….

… Are a bit of a blur… I went and told my lovely family and friends, who are amazing and have and will help me immensely. I went on a bit of a bender if I’m honest. Buying £30 bottles of champagne and having a great time, probably not what is advised when you find something like that out, but it felt bloody good at the time (thanks to all those involved, you know who you are).

Monday 19^th December

The hospital appointment with the surgeon – I had a bit of a hangover and already felt sick. All the information they told me didn’t really sink in - surgery, chemo, radiotherapy, all felt like a foreign language that my brain couldn’t really take in, plus the hangover wasn’t really helping (must try harder to be a better human). My mum and best friend Soph came with me but I don’t think any of us really took any of it in. They said the surgery could take place on the 4^th Jan, 2 weeks time, jeez that seemed quick, but all the better to get the bastard out asap.

I had to have a mammogram – on my already bruised and battered boob with a hangover - that was not a nice experience. I kept jumping away from the device; I didn’t want any more pain inflicted! It was all rather embarrassing, being half dressed, with a bruised boob, jumping away from the equipment. Not that I had much dignity left at this point but I felt that it was all draining away….. Then it was the blood tests… I couldn’t pull my sleeve up as it was too tight so had to strip off again… no dignity left at this point so was all becoming rather comical (you really just have to laugh at times like this!!).

Wednesday 21^st December

Melt down in Atlantic Village - note to self, perhaps busy shopping centres are not a good idea… Sorry to Soph and Chloe for my melt down!!

Thursday 22^nd December

Christmas is fast approaching. Luckily I had bought and wrapped all my presents well in advance of D day (diagnosis day) so I was well prepared (it was like I knew!!).  Today is the pre-op… I was not sure before hand quite what this involved. But it was mostly questions about my health and a few tests to prepare me for surgery. It all went OK and the ladies were fab, one of my best friends, Chloe, came with me so that really helped. I had then booked in with Karen to ask some questions. Karen is amazing, she is so lovely and kind; how lucky are we to have a health service that allocates people like Karen to our care.

Karen and I discussed the main things that were concerning me. Unlike my last visit to hospital I was feeling slightly more able to cope and digest information. The treatment I would have – would I have to have chemo? Due to my age, the fact that my cancer is a grade 3 (one of the fastest growing types) and that it is also receptive to oestrogen (bloody thing, typical that it’s not only fast growing but it is also being encouraged to grow even more!) – I was very likely to have chemo. This also means I would lose my hair. I love my hair. I’ve had long hair for years, in the same style. Losing it would be tough, but when it comes to survival you have to take it on the chin. I’ve also wanted a bob for ages and not had the balls to have one, so once chemo is confirmed I’m straight down the hair dressers!! Also this means that I can go wig shopping. I can try styles that I would never have tried before and false eyelashes are bloody great these days… so…. Every cloud has a silver lining…

What about my friends Chloe and Katie’s weddings? I was due to be a bridesmaid in March. With no hair – sorry, no, with a very great new hairstyle in the form of my new wig! – must think positive! Karen said the chemo dates could be tweaked so that I would feel as well as possible for the dates of the weddings. How bloody great is that! What a relief. Its things like this that make me feel able to cope.

What about my fertility? Would the chemo kill off my eggs? That would be a real blow. Karen said they will give me a drug called Zoladex. This will put my ovaries to sleep and protect my eggs (how bloody clever is that!!). They should then wake up again and be OK afterwards (it’s not 100% effective but it gives my eggs a chance!). Phew. Again, this is something that makes me feel able to get through it.

Christmas and New Year passed in a wonderful blur of drinks, dinners, family and friends…. Timing is never perfect to be told such awful news but it couldn’t have been better in terms of having the distraction of all the festivities to keep my mind off the impending surgery.

….. to be continued …….