Oh shit, I’VE GOT CANCER…..

The story so far…..

Thursday 8^th December 2011

Hospital appointment at the breast clinic – went on my own as thought it would be just a routine check. They said it looked like it was a funny shape (typical!). Then they took a biopsy. I remember them saying it would sound like a staple gun, I wondered whether this was meant to be reassuring or not. Luckily it was under local anaesthetic so it was only the sound that was a bit of a shock. I was a bit upset after that, it was a bit unexpected and they allocated me a special breast care nurse to call the next week for the results so it all seemed a bit suspect. For the next week I was convinced it was cancer. You know when people say you know when you’ve got it, well I knew. And in a way that helped me to be a bit more mentally prepared when I got the actual news…..

Friday 16^th December

It was meant to be the day of our works Christmas meal. I was due to call the hospital for the results of my biopsy at 9am and this fitted in perfectly with the secret Santa gift exchange I had planned for 10am. That was when I was a bit more optimistic that everything would be OK. Karen (my breast care nurse) called me back just after 9am and luckily I was still in the toilets. She told me it was unexpected results which, in my mind could only be one thing, but she couldn’t confirm anything over the phone so I had to wait to go up to the hospital at 12noon. I was then in the predicament of balling my eyes out stuck in the toilet, not a great place to be. I managed to call Ann, my lovely colleague who came and rescued me.

The timing was actually ideal as then my lovely boss Sue arrived at work and popped into the toilet on her way up to find Ann and me in tears! So we moved up to Sue’s office to hide out and I consequently missed the secret Santa that I arranged! What a shame… BUT, I did get my gift which is a lovely cuddly penguin which will prove to be a massive comfort over the coming weeks, I would love to say thank you to whoever gave it to me but it’s a bloody secret!! Ha. Mum and I went up to the hospital to see Karen who confirmed the worst, that the lump was breast cancer. As I said before I knew it was, but nothing really prepares you for the shock of actually being told that it is.

The next few days….

… Are a bit of a blur… I went and told my lovely family and friends, who are amazing and have and will help me immensely. I went on a bit of a bender if I’m honest. Buying £30 bottles of champagne and having a great time, probably not what is advised when you find something like that out, but it felt bloody good at the time (thanks to all those involved, you know who you are).

Monday 19^th December

The hospital appointment with the surgeon – I had a bit of a hangover and already felt sick. All the information they told me didn’t really sink in - surgery, chemo, radiotherapy, all felt like a foreign language that my brain couldn’t really take in, plus the hangover wasn’t really helping (must try harder to be a better human). My mum and best friend Soph came with me but I don’t think any of us really took any of it in. They said the surgery could take place on the 4^th Jan, 2 weeks time, jeez that seemed quick, but all the better to get the bastard out asap.

I had to have a mammogram – on my already bruised and battered boob with a hangover - that was not a nice experience. I kept jumping away from the device; I didn’t want any more pain inflicted! It was all rather embarrassing, being half dressed, with a bruised boob, jumping away from the equipment. Not that I had much dignity left at this point but I felt that it was all draining away….. Then it was the blood tests… I couldn’t pull my sleeve up as it was too tight so had to strip off again… no dignity left at this point so was all becoming rather comical (you really just have to laugh at times like this!!).

Wednesday 21^st December

Melt down in Atlantic Village - note to self, perhaps busy shopping centres are not a good idea… Sorry to Soph and Chloe for my melt down!!

Thursday 22^nd December

Christmas is fast approaching. Luckily I had bought and wrapped all my presents well in advance of D day (diagnosis day) so I was well prepared (it was like I knew!!).  Today is the pre-op… I was not sure before hand quite what this involved. But it was mostly questions about my health and a few tests to prepare me for surgery. It all went OK and the ladies were fab, one of my best friends, Chloe, came with me so that really helped. I had then booked in with Karen to ask some questions. Karen is amazing, she is so lovely and kind; how lucky are we to have a health service that allocates people like Karen to our care.

Karen and I discussed the main things that were concerning me. Unlike my last visit to hospital I was feeling slightly more able to cope and digest information. The treatment I would have – would I have to have chemo? Due to my age, the fact that my cancer is a grade 3 (one of the fastest growing types) and that it is also receptive to oestrogen (bloody thing, typical that it’s not only fast growing but it is also being encouraged to grow even more!) – I was very likely to have chemo. This also means I would lose my hair. I love my hair. I’ve had long hair for years, in the same style. Losing it would be tough, but when it comes to survival you have to take it on the chin. I’ve also wanted a bob for ages and not had the balls to have one, so once chemo is confirmed I’m straight down the hair dressers!! Also this means that I can go wig shopping. I can try styles that I would never have tried before and false eyelashes are bloody great these days… so…. Every cloud has a silver lining…

What about my friends Chloe and Katie’s weddings? I was due to be a bridesmaid in March. With no hair – sorry, no, with a very great new hairstyle in the form of my new wig! – must think positive! Karen said the chemo dates could be tweaked so that I would feel as well as possible for the dates of the weddings. How bloody great is that! What a relief. Its things like this that make me feel able to cope.

What about my fertility? Would the chemo kill off my eggs? That would be a real blow. Karen said they will give me a drug called Zoladex. This will put my ovaries to sleep and protect my eggs (how bloody clever is that!!). They should then wake up again and be OK afterwards (it’s not 100% effective but it gives my eggs a chance!). Phew. Again, this is something that makes me feel able to get through it.

Christmas and New Year passed in a wonderful blur of drinks, dinners, family and friends…. Timing is never perfect to be told such awful news but it couldn’t have been better in terms of having the distraction of all the festivities to keep my mind off the impending surgery.

….. to be continued …….