Being Hit by a Bus....

I suppose I should of realised that after spending two days in hospital being pumped full of toxic drugs that your not gonna come out feeling ship shape. I spent Thursday getting my new dose of chemo and Friday getting my new drug Herceptin. I've never been hit by a bus before but in the days that followed I certainly feel like I had been. I still do, but it feels like a slightly smaller bus now, not a double decker like at the weekend. It totally floored me and I could hardly move. But I guess that's the price you pay for the war that's raging inside and all energy is needed to help out the new lot of troops so none can be wasted on getting up off the sofa. Big thanks to my hospital angels Lou and Caz for getting me through those two days and taking on the joyous job of looking out for signs of an anaphylactic fit (which luckily didn't appear!).

I'm not gonna lie there have been dark times recently. Darks days where I feel pretty bloody low and dark nights where I can't sleep and worries and fears go round and round in my head. Everyday through treatment is a battle; alongside the war inside me is the mental battle to try and keep strong and positive. The blog has been really helpful as its one of the things I write when I wake up in the night and can’t sleep. I'm definitely not out for sympathy here but I think it's important to reflect both the ups and the downs of my cancer journey. It's much more than jazzy wigs and mohawks, although they certainly help. You can only stay positive most of the time, sometimes you just can't and I think that's ok as well.

I had an echocardiogram (ECG) the other day. It was mental. The herceptin that I've started taking can weaken the way your heart pumps. So they use an ultra sound to view all the areas of the heart and take measurements to ensure its all normal and can cope with the treatment. I was relieved to find out it looked pretty normal! Phew, I have something normal! Crazy to see and hear it pumping away with all the valves working like mad to ensure all your blood gets to where it's meant to be. And that it's happening all the time, every minute of our lives, very clever stuff. So they take all the measurements and then check again in three months time to ensure nothing has happened to hinder the hearts ability to pump.

I went back into work for the first time in four months the other day. It was very emotional as I hadn't been there since the day I was diagnosed, but it was amazing to see everyone. They held a 'wear a wig to work day' to raise money for the new chemotherapy unit at the hospital. They raised about £400, how cool is that. They all looked so great!!! I was actually put to shame in my black bob as there were so many fab coloured ones (check out the picture!) My particular favourite was Arron's afro, it was amazing! They made such a great effort I was really touched. I've really missed everyone so it was lovely to see them and I hope that everything goes to plan with treatment and that I can go back in a few months once all this crazy shit is over.