No longer a caterpillar - The journey back to life

I found it a very weird time after I got the all clear. It was so amazing and such great news but I didn't feel great at all. In fact I felt awful. I had just got home from hospital after the op and I couldn't move very much and was very sore. I couldn't do anything for myself and I had to deal with the after effects from a 7 hour general anesthetic. I also think that all the feelings that I had blocked out of fear and worry over the last few months came flooding in as if I was finally allowing myself to feel them. I was finally processing everything now that I knew things would be ok. It was very strange.
 
I also had a few problems after the op as i had a seroma which is a common problem where fluid builds up around the wound. This included ending up in A&E where the wound bust open and loads of fluid came out. I didn't enjoy that very much. But my surgeon, Mr Drabble has done an amazing job. He has worked his magic and it looks fab, I'm so pleased with the results and lucky to have been able to have the op.
 
But then things started to get better, the wound finally started to heal properly. I could move around and do a bit more. And my hair started to come back with a vengeance. For months I had felt like how a caterpillar must feel, squirming around all bald and squidgy, desperate to be a butterfly. I finally started to feel like myself again. My eyelashes and eyebrows started to come back and I managed to lose some of the weight I had gained during chemo. I felt like I was coming back to life. What a magical feeling.
 
Some people say you really find out who your friends are when you get cancer and that you can get really let down. I have found quite the opposite. All my family and friends have really pulled it out the bag during the last nine months. They've been there every step of the way and pulled me through the dark times and laughed with me through the good. They've sent me messages constantly and driven round and sat with me when I've needed a cry during chemo. They've bought me presents to cheer me up and given me hugs when I needed them. I feel incredibly lucky to have them all.
 
So the journey back to life continues. It's a very strange feeling. A mixture of joy and of feeling very lost whilst trying to make sense of all that I have been through. Luckily I was well enough to enjoy one of my best friend’s weddings. Congratulations to Katie and Andrew, the new Mr and Mrs Cotton on what was an awesome day filled with love, laughter and inappropriate jokes; all my best things.
 
The next step is radiotherapy, which I'm a week into now.... I wonder what embarrassing things I will end up doing during that? We shall see.

C Ya Later Cancer - Being Completely Blindsided and a Busy Few Weeks



The Big C Festival



 I sat nervously waiting for my breast care nurse as they'd just had a meeting with the specialists about what they had removed during the operation. Karen came in and reported that they'd removed 16 lymph nodes and all the breast tissue and couldn't find any trace of cancer. The chemo has kicked its arse! I was therefore effectively cancer free! I hadn't cried tears of joy for a while, but there were many. I was in shock and completely blind sided. I hadn't expected such good news. Surely they would find something? Surely there would be more bad news? But no. It was amazing news and I just couldn't believe it. I actually couldn't. Even writing it down doesn't seem real as it’s the best news possible and it just doesn't seem true. But it is! All those months of grueling chemo and days feeling like crap have been worthwhile. Result.
 
It's also been a busy few weeks. I went back to work part time for a while. It was great to see everyone and feel like a functioning human again. Then Race for life took place which was an awe inspiring day. Standing there during the warm up surrounded by my team of zebra print clad family and friends I was overwhelmed by emotion. Seeing my name and the names of other loved ones fighting cancer on their backs it really hit me the effect of this terrible disease. I shed a little tear but felt so surrounded by love and so lucky to have such amazing people in my life to share this special day and get me through the last six months. We managed the walk in an hour and ten minutes and so far my team has raised £3295 for Cancer Research UK. Big thanks to Cavie at the Kings Arms in Georgeham who hosted our post race barbeque/party and donated £200 to our cause. I'm so stoked to think that our efforts will go towards research into fighting the Big C.
 
The Big C festival was another incredible day. The festival started to evolve a few months ago when I decided I wanted to organise a fundraiser and knew that Blakey was very kindly up for shaving his beautiful mane. Christian, Katie, Soph and I then met up about 6 weeks before and decided to go for it. We got on the case organising everything and Blakey set up the adventure race.
 
It rained all week leading up to the event. Not just a bit of rain either but proper, taking the piss rain. It was relentless. I had visions of a crammed pub and very soggy bouncy castle. But on the day someone was definitely shining down on us as it turned out to be the sunniest day we'd had in ages. The adventure race in the morning was great, even a few fancy dress costumes made an appearance in the blistering heat! The winning team did the cycle, swim and run course in 1 hour and 40 mins and consisted of the power houses Andrew Cotton, Ian Blake and Rob Sandbach; they won a month of boot camp sessions with Blakey's awesome Bay Fitness club, nice one! They were very closely followed, 18 seconds later.. By Ken Kerslake, Dan Rudman and Charlie Smith. Third place went to Sean Creely, Mat Turner (my lovely big bro!) and Mike Symonds who rocked up just over ten minutes later in awesome fancy dress! Massive well done to everyone who completed the course; an amazing achievement for a great cause.
 
The rest of the day continued to be brilliant. The garden was so packed at one point that people had to leave. The sun shone, great music played. The auction went better than I could of imagined raising £600 and I got slightly to into using the mic.. You couldn't get me off it! Blakey's hair had to be plaited before it could be shaved so that we could donate the hair to a children's cancer charity. We then charged a pound to cut each plait; this proved very popular and raised even more money. Charlotte Shirley did an awesome job of the actual shave and Blakey looks very handsome with a shaved head! The head shave itself raised around £1500, all I can say is wow.
 
The total raised is still rising but was at £4975 at the last count. All for the chemo unit appeal, a great amount for a charity very close to my heart and many others who attended. Massive thanks to all those involved (see below!) especially Christian, Blakey, Katie, Soph, Mum, Dad, Mat, Em, Bex, Chloe, Lisa, Lou, Kelz and Sunny. Special mention also to Andy at the White Lion for being so generous with his donation and hosting the event.
 
The whirl wind of charity fund raising was a welcome distraction and before I knew it I was ready to 'check in' to hospital. I'd been so busy I hadn't really thought about the reality of the op; probably best really. I used a bit of Jack Bauer to distract me the night before and then before I knew it, it was time to go under. I quite enjoyed being wheeled round the hospital to the theatre; I like to pretend its some sort of ride. After a little chat and confirmation that, yes, that is who I am on my arm band, then C ya! Waking up was not quite so much fun. I had to be covered by a bear hugger; which is a bit like a lilo being filled with hot air. This kept me very hot for the first 2 days and promoted the healing process. Luckily I was on a morphine drip as this kept me going through this phase. It wasn't the best 48 hours I've ever had, but it wasn't my worst either. Normal hemoglobin levels are supposed to be around 14 but mine dropped down to 6 as I'd lost so much blood through the op and in the drains. So I had to have a blood transfusion. This involved 2 bags of blood being pumped into me. I felt like I was in a Twilight movie. I wanted to say; sorry I'm a vampire I can't be around all this blood... But that's just how my strange little mind works.

I only vaguely remember Mum and Dad visiting on the evening of the op. I was completely out of it. Although I did manage to give Dad a list of instructions of who to let know what etc. Even in that state I can't help but organise things, which is a bit of a worry. I gradually improved as the days went on. First I was able to use my hands as the various drips came out. Then the drains were removed and I could walk around freely without carrying a little bag of blood drains. Don't get me wrong it's all very essential, but it's not a good look. I ended up staying in hospital slightly longer than expected as I developed an infection and my temp kept spiking at 38. A very small blip considering. Thanks so much to everyone who visited and for all the lovely cards, presents and flowers. Also huge thanks to the Doctors and Nurses on King George V ward (especially Rosie and Sandra). They did a brilliant job with my care; they are lovely and work so incredibly hard.
 
So now I'm home recovering! Getting stronger day by day and feeling incredibly lucky to be living above Mum and Dad and being looked after by them. Thanks Mum and Dad you are amazing. Right, well that's the longest blog I've ever written! I'll shut up now and concentrate on my recovery, C ya.

Ouch

The Big C festival - Special thanks to thanks to the amazing musicians - Melv, Christian, Sam Mayo, Sam Dowden, the White Lion Choir, Katie, Soph, Amy, Si, Jay, The Rockets and Pete's Gone Straight Edge!
And the local businesses who kindly donated to the auction and raffle: Get Wet Surf School, Ross, Bay Spas, Bay Joinery, Bay Fitness, Tiki, Kittiwell House, Devon Brewing Co, Hands On, Blue Groove, Kendra Pilates, Riverside, Aloe Vera Direct, Bright and Breezy Cleaning, Andrew Cotton Inc, Sirena Silver, the White Lion, Kenny Wells, Jon the Potter, Kittiwakes, The Rock Inn, Surfing Croyde Bay, The Corner Bistro, Second Skin, Gulfstream, Surfed Out.

The Bear Hugger

 

The Big C Festival, Lead Limbs and the Really Big Ouch

It’s been a few weeks since my last chemo now. It’s very frustrating as my body just doesn’t work like it used to. I suppose that’s not surprising given the dose of toxins it has been given and the lack of activity that it has been doing. But it’s very annoying, my limbs feel like lead. They just don’t do what I want them to do. I walked around baggy point the other morning and it felt like I had a lead weight round my ankles. I get very tired and have been in bed by about 8pm most nights. It’s a weird feeling as I feel like I should be getting much better quicker but I guess I just need to be patient. It’s hard though!!

So I’ve got my operation soon. They are going to take away all the left breast tissue and most of the lymph nodes and hopefully any trace of the naughty cancer. The analysis of this will show how effective the chemo has been which is what I’m interested in. I want to make sure the four months of treatment have been worth while. I am going to have a mastectomy followed by an immediate reconstruction. This means that they are going to use the Lat Dorsi muscle from my back, bring it round under my arm, maintaining the blood supply and build a new boob. How amazing is that? I am going to wake up with a new boob. It’s going to be a pretty big ouch but it will be worth it. The op takes about 7 hours and I’ll be in hospital for a week afterwards under close observation to ensure that the back tissue is happy in its new home in the boob. The first 48 hours are crucial and I will have a warm device hugging me called a bear hugger to ensure the tissue is warm and cosy, sounds nice! I’ll be on morphine by then so I’m sure I won’t be too bothered!! 

As those of you who know me will know, I have a slight problem with my zebra print obsession. It’s relentless. There’s zebra print everywhere with me. My phone, my wallet, my headscarves, leggings, hats etc etc. So it therefore seemed obvious that my race for life team kit was zebra print. I’m so excited about taking part. I think it is going to be very emotional. What an amazing event for such a fantastic cause. There are now 30 of us in my team consisting of my wonderful family and friends. If you are taking part and see any zebra print on the day that will be us!!

Blakey's lovely mane

Another fantastic cause is the Chemotherapy appeal for a new unit up at North Devon District hospital. The unit does such amazing work. I have been so lucky to be treated by the brilliant nurses up at the hospital; they have been wonderful throughout my chemo treatment. They do amazingly but the accommodation they are currently in is small and they really need the new unit. My friends and I are organizing a charity fund raising day on Sunday 15^th July (check out Christian's fab poster above!) in order to help raise the 2.2 million that is needed for the unit. My awesome friend Andrew Blake is going to shave his head and has already raised over £500 in sponsorship. We hope to be able to donate his hair to a charity that provides wigs for cancer patients. If you would like to sponsor him you can do so here: https://www.justgiving.com/thebigcfundraiser. In the morning Andrew is arranging an adventure race that involves teams of three cycling, swimming and running a course that covers Braunton, Woolacombe and Croyde. Andrew runs Bay Fitness and you can contact him on 07583 330239 to find out further details and to take part, it costs £10 per person. We are then holding the Big C Festival at the White Lion in Braunton from 12noon until late that will involve kids’ activities, BBQ, live acoustic music by day, local bands by night and a charity raffle/auction. It costs £5 on entry and all proceeds from the day go to the Chemo appeal. My amazing best friends Sophie and Katie Kerslake will be singing at the Big C, for a taster of their music they are playing at Lilicos on Thursday 5^th July from 9pm. Thanks so much to everyone for their help in organising the festival, especially you Christian!

You can sponsor my team at Race for Life on the following link http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/team-chitch, thanks so much to everyone who has already been so generous.

You can also follow me on twitter @chitchelmaryt.

The Last Dementor Attack




The last chemo goes in....

 

I can’t tell you how good it felt to do what will hopefully be my last chemo. Well I can. It was amazing. To think that it was the last one was a really great feeling. It was still pretty rubbish but as each day went on knowing it was the last time kept me going.

Getting ready for chemo each time is a bit of a mission. It’s like a whirl wind of sorting and organising and making sure everything is in order for a spell of incapacitation. I met an amazing lady called Jo the other day who had also been through chemo. We were discussing how it made you feel and agreed that a great way to describe it is like being attacked by a dementor out of Harry Potter. You know the ones? They suck out a part of your soul. Sounds severe, but it describes really well the feeling of being zapped, not just physically but mentally. So getting ready for a dementor attack for the last time was a joy. Knowing that all the pills that are needed would be taken for the last time and that the effects would be felt for hopefully the last time was amazing. There have been some very dark times but I feel stronger for being able to get through them.  I will miss Jack Bauer though. Big thanks to Caz and Soph for being my hospital angels for the last dose. 

In a very weird way I will miss chemo (no I haven’t finally lost it). Being in the chemo three weekly cycle gave me a strange sense of security and safety. I knew during this time that the chemo drugs (or chemo warriors as I like to call them) were attacking the cancer. I knew that my warriors were fighting it and it gave me a certain peace of mind. I am lucky that I am able to have herceptin treatment that will continue for another ten months. So the herceptin warriors will be continuing the fight on my behalf which is great news.



A bit of 'normality'



I am going back to work soon on a part time basis for a while before my operation. I feel it’s important to try and regain some semblance of normality back in my life. The last few months have been crazy and a rollercoaster of emotions and feelings, both physical and mental. As I mentioned before I felt kind of safe in the chemo cycle and going back to normal life is a scary prospect. How will I ever feel ‘normal’ again? How will I ever look at life in the same way again? I don’t think I will, or could. I was never very normal anyway, which may make the transition a little easier….

My hair is fighting back!

My hair has started growing back! Which is great news, it’s fighting through and there is at least 3 millimeters now. I can’t really tell what colour it is as yet. There are blond bits and darker bits so it’s a waiting game to see what its going to turn out like. Also it might be curly! Chemo frazzles the hair follicles so it could come back with a chemo curl. How very exciting.

Always note that I am talking about side effects that have effected me during treatment and other patients may be very different, thanks x

You can sponsor my team at Race for Life on the following link http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/team-chitch, thanks so much to everyone who has already been so generous.

You can also follow me on twitter @chitchelmaryt.

Jack Bauer and my Sanity

Shake, rattle and roll

Dealing with the after effects of Chemo for me is a matter of not only managing physical side effects but also keeping hold of my sanity. Chemo number five meant a dose of chemo alongside herceptin on the same day. The after effects of this physically were slightly easier than the last one. Rather than a double decker bus it was more like a run in with a mini bus. Thankfully it was easier to cope with. Although on day four I got slightly over enthusiastic and nearly passed out during the washing up, must calm down! 

Chemo zaps my body in order to kill the cancer, but it also zaps my brain. 'Chemo brain' is a common term used amongst patients, you could blame all sorts on it (obviously I don’t!). I often forget what I'm about to say or what I was thinking about. Or send a text asking something I’ve asked twice before (sorry Soph!). In order to save me chemo kills my spirit for a while. I feel like someone has battered me flat and that I gradually re-fill as the days go by. Keeping hold of my sanity during this time is a major mission.

My secret chemo weapon is the TV series 24. 24 is an American series set in a world of anti terror plots and secret agents. The main character, Jack Bauer, mentally runs round L.A trying to beat the bad guys. I live in the 24 world for a few days and Jack Bauer keeps me sane (or insane, either way it works!). Although I have to be careful that it doesn’t take over too much as I go off to bed and check all the shadows for a secret agent. Especially as and all my wig heads look very suspicious in the moon light!! I went up to an ultra sound appointment at the hospital a few days after chemo once and was lying there imagining I was in an episode of 24 and that Jack was going to rush in at any moment and save me. Maybe I've taken it a bit far?? Ha, well maybe I have, but at least it keeps me sane and my brain going before my pre chemo spirit is restored. Big thanks to Tweed and Ruth for the 24 supplies!

When my brain comes back after chemo it's a magical feeling. It’s like I've been given my brain for the first time again. Mine tends to go into overdrive, thinking about what I need to do or organise, as I love to organise. It's an amazing feeling and one I cherish every time I pull through.

Always note that I am talking about side effects that have effected me during treatment and other patients may be very different, thanks x

You can sponsor my team at Race for Life on the following link http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/team-chitch; thanks so much to everyone who has already been so generous, we have raised an amazing £1370 already!

Being Hit by a Bus....

I suppose I should of realised that after spending two days in hospital being pumped full of toxic drugs that your not gonna come out feeling ship shape. I spent Thursday getting my new dose of chemo and Friday getting my new drug Herceptin. I've never been hit by a bus before but in the days that followed I certainly feel like I had been. I still do, but it feels like a slightly smaller bus now, not a double decker like at the weekend. It totally floored me and I could hardly move. But I guess that's the price you pay for the war that's raging inside and all energy is needed to help out the new lot of troops so none can be wasted on getting up off the sofa. Big thanks to my hospital angels Lou and Caz for getting me through those two days and taking on the joyous job of looking out for signs of an anaphylactic fit (which luckily didn't appear!).

I'm not gonna lie there have been dark times recently. Darks days where I feel pretty bloody low and dark nights where I can't sleep and worries and fears go round and round in my head. Everyday through treatment is a battle; alongside the war inside me is the mental battle to try and keep strong and positive. The blog has been really helpful as its one of the things I write when I wake up in the night and can’t sleep. I'm definitely not out for sympathy here but I think it's important to reflect both the ups and the downs of my cancer journey. It's much more than jazzy wigs and mohawks, although they certainly help. You can only stay positive most of the time, sometimes you just can't and I think that's ok as well.

I had an echocardiogram (ECG) the other day. It was mental. The herceptin that I've started taking can weaken the way your heart pumps. So they use an ultra sound to view all the areas of the heart and take measurements to ensure its all normal and can cope with the treatment. I was relieved to find out it looked pretty normal! Phew, I have something normal! Crazy to see and hear it pumping away with all the valves working like mad to ensure all your blood gets to where it's meant to be. And that it's happening all the time, every minute of our lives, very clever stuff. So they take all the measurements and then check again in three months time to ensure nothing has happened to hinder the hearts ability to pump.

I went back into work for the first time in four months the other day. It was very emotional as I hadn't been there since the day I was diagnosed, but it was amazing to see everyone. They held a 'wear a wig to work day' to raise money for the new chemotherapy unit at the hospital. They raised about £400, how cool is that. They all looked so great!!! I was actually put to shame in my black bob as there were so many fab coloured ones (check out the picture!) My particular favourite was Arron's afro, it was amazing! They made such a great effort I was really touched. I've really missed everyone so it was lovely to see them and I hope that everything goes to plan with treatment and that I can go back in a few months once all this crazy shit is over.

Herceptin Warriors, Boiled Eggs and Faking It

My boiled egg look

My cancer is a right little bastard. I have now been told that not only is it a grade three and receptive to oestrogen it is also HER2 positive. This is another receptor that encourages it to grow and spread aggressively. The treatment of this is called Herceptin which you may have heard of. Herceptin treatment is given in a similar way to chemo, via an infusion of liquid drugs through a drip. It doesn't have the same side effects as chemotherapy which is a bloody relief. I have to have this treatment every three weeks for a year. I like to think of this as calling in more troops for battle. Let the Herceptin warriors join in the fight I say.

Faking it

Chemo number four takes place next week. I'm now onto the T part of the FEC-T treatment which is a drug called Docetaxel. This one makes your eyebrows and eye lashes fall out and your nails go funny. I'm going to look even more like a boiled egg! Amazing what you can fake these days though! I’m having lots of fun faking it as you can see from the pics! This one will hopefully make me feel a bit less sick which is excellent news. It goes in via a drip and doesn't need to be injected in separately like the FEC part; as it's just the one drug rather than three and slightly less toxic I think. I have to take about eight steroids the day before to counteract the side effects; I'm going to be well hyper! So it's just a case of waiting and seeing how this one affects me.

A couple of congratulations are in order.. My gorgeous friend Chloe became Mrs Smith on what was one of the most amazing wedding days ever! Beautiful bride, friends, venue, weather and I was well enough to be a bridesmaid! Stoked! Congrats to Mr and Mrs Smith. xxx My other gorgeous friend Katie gave birth to beautiful baby Ace this week! I was also stoked to be at the hospital for his arrival (rather than for another nuking!!) and have a cuddle. Congrats to Katie and Andrew on your perfect new human. xxxx 

These amazing things and my amazing family and friends get me through. Let the battle continue. Bring it on.